LeArNiNg LiFe

Unattached

2009-09-25T15:54:00.002-06:00

Pet peeve:

I hate it when people find out you're single, look at you inquisitively and say, "Really? Well you're a really cute girl."

Uh...thanks. But p.s. you just reinforced the lame idea of attractiveness=lack of singleness. Oh yeah, and by that theory since I am single I am therefore unattractive.

But the real issue with this common response is that no response is really necessary to the I'm single statement. Unless of course you're asking because you want to be the maker of non-singleness for me. In which case the previously stated conversation would ideally go a little more like this:

"Yeah. I'm single."
"Really? Well you're a really cute girl. We should probably make out."
"Okay."

Strangely enough I have yet to encounter version B of said scenario.

Thank you Bryce.

2009-09-11T23:54:00.000-06:00

So I'll be picking me up,
Breaking me down,
I was lost, was i found?
I wanna feel everything.
When everything feels wrong with me.
Take a look,
Embrace myself.
Everybody wantes to make it count.

Save me,
Cause I can never float.
Sinking..
Amaze me,
And I would be there holding on for life.

*Bryce Avary

Miscellaneous...

2009-08-27T09:16:00.003-06:00

I am accused on a great many occasions of being the worst friend in the world (I don't keep in contact), the worst child in the world (I don't keep in contact), and perhaps even the worst enemy in the world (I keep trying to stay in contact). BUT I just think I would like to take this moment to say that I'm trying to reform my prodigal ways. As Charlie from LOST says, "you don't call; you don't write..." THAT'S ME!
And so for all of you that I don't call and I don't write to, but I think about all the time - this is for you. This post is dedicated to the ones I love (and since there is only a select few people in the world that I could say I have a sour taste for, I guess this is for just about everyone).
Life is good for me. Stressful at times, but good. I'm still living in Colorado Springs and have yet to feel anything other than the distinct impression that this is where I'm meant to be. I feel like this town is the encapsulation of God's grandeur, even if it does have the most erratic weather in the world. I love it here and I don't plan on leaving unless forced to.
I recently changed positions at my job. Now, instead of editing documents about antenna, I get to write them! Wooohooo. Let me tell you, this job is a thriller. All sarcasm aside though, it is such a good job. I have learned so much and finally feel like I get to be part of something that is expanding my mind and challenging me. As a result of the killer benefits at my job, I will be starting graduate school to get my Masters in Professional Writing. I'll be doing my degree online through a school in Pittsburgh. Choosing to get a graduate degree was one of those things that I jumped into head first and didn't really look back. Now that I start my program in four days, I feel a little like "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?" I know it will be okay though. I spent hours thinking about this, praying about it, and seeking the Lord's advice through all possible means. The conclusion I have met is that this is going to be "wicked" hard but it will be okay and it is the right thing. So I be gettin' me some more edumacation.
I leave today to go on an Alaskan cruise. Back in Feb, one of my friends from PA called me up and asked if I would be interested in going. My big, fat tax return had just arrived and I had always had the little dream of going to Alaska inside of me, so I jumped on board and now I really will be jumping on board TOMORROW! I'll post some pictures when I get back in a greater effort to include my few and faithful readers in my little adventure.
I guess that is it for the "BIG" things that are going on in my life right now. All I can really say is that life is just good. I look around me and see so many blessings. I have been making a greater effort in my life to work towards becoming the person I want to be. It is interesting how God places people in your life to help you become that person. I recently met someone who is truly just one of the nicest people I have ever met. I have been lucky enough to have a spattering of people like this in my life. In elementary school, it was Amber Taylor. Middle and high school - Megan Roscioli and Carrie Willis. On my mission it was Lacee Salazar. And now I have met a new friend who doesn't even realize the effect for good that he is having in my life. I'm grateful for people who help me to aspire to be a better, kinder person because the more I become this person, the happier I am and the more I seem to find that I just make time for things that matter in my life and things that don't find their way out of my life.

A Tale of Two Swines

2009-08-08T00:27:00.003-06:00

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of immodium, it was the age of laxatives, it was the epoch of less cheeseburgers, it was the epoch of more fiber, it was the season of charmin ultra, it was the season of ultra savings on TP, it was the spring of sphincter, it was the winter of colon, we had everything leaving us, we had nothing leaving us, we were all going direct to the loo, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far infested with the swine that some of its victims almost wished they had the original H1N1.

*Dedicated to my other half. You make swinestipation look like a cake walk compared to swinearrhea.

Always Sometimes Never

2009-08-01T16:33:00.004-06:00

I know that many people like to give themselves the title of "strange" or "weird" or "different" but I have come to the realization that I am probably the most erratic/predictable person in the world. "That can't be" you say "those two words are antonyms." Well guess what? You probably know me if you're reading this and if you really pull all those things you know about me together in that lil' brain of yours, you will see that I'm right. (Predictable statement #1-I will always defend that I am right and you are wrong. 99.2756983% of the time I am right.)

I am always a crazy werewolf who must be dealt with with caution once a month.
I always put my clothes away unless I leave them all over the floor because I'm feeling like life is less than worth living.
I never pick up my cell phone unless I'm feeling particularly spunky or using my tarot powers to know that chances are you are calling for something that matters.
I never like jell-o. Never. Ever. But every once in a while, I'll eat it and actually think it is good. Chances are I'm under the influence at the time.
I always know that if I clean when I feel like trash that I will feel revived and re-enthused about life unless I am so trashtastic that I can't even bring myself to clean at all.

I think it is really interesting that when we meet new people in our lives we go to great lengths to understand them and get to know them. From a distance, people are strange and make no sense and do absurd things, but from up close and personal, I believe we all see the patterns that make us who we are. We are all erratic in our own way but we truly know another when we come to see how predictable their erratic behavior truly is.

My feelings toward life as of late.

2009-07-23T23:28:00.001-06:00

Dr. Hygiene

2009-07-10T21:07:00.004-06:00

In my youth, I had a uncanny ability to chastise others for their lack of sanitary habits. Because of this, my father called me Dr. Hygiene. I was never at a loss to find disgust in the lack of brushed teeth, washed hair, or deodoranted (made up word, I know) armpit.

Today I hang my head in shame at how the tables have turned. I'm laying in my bed at 9pm, putting off the shower I should have taken yesterday. I'd like to say this is an uncommon occurance but all reliable sources will declare that it is not.

I am dirty.

Return from the Dead

2009-06-30T17:11:00.002-06:00

I bought a new laptop. It is a MacBook Pro. It is the new love of my life. I remember freshman year at college there was a boy in W hall that had a computer that was the love of his life. Maybe he's still single too.

anniversaries

2009-01-15T21:41:00.002-07:00

tomorrow is the one year anniversary of puking on my shoe in an airplane bathroom. at least i can say that was a once-in-a-lifetime event. as i've sat for the past few days and realized it has been a year since i ended a large chapter of my life and began a new adventure, i've had time to reflect on beginnings and endings. how long it has been since this and that. what has happened since then. and how i will be next. i spend mass amounts of time sitting in a cubicle reflecting upon time to make the time pass faster and as it does, i remember all i've done to pass the time. i think about how...

it has been three years and two weeks since i've kissed a boy.

i spent years with an iron stomach and lost it one night to a piece of mail regarding buying a bike to ride.

3 weeks of vacation can be spent in 2009 on fascinating adventures.

2 years ago one of my best friends entered the waters of baptism and showed me how faith and hard work produce miracles.

4 years ago my heart seemed crushed beyond repair.

2 years from now i will be completely debt-free.

8 hours will pass and i will be awaking to go to work and think about time again.

and yet as i think about all this time and what has passed, i wonder what is yet to come. i have spent 25 years planning 25 years worth of events that didn't occur in the ways i thought they would. i suppose there is nothing profound about it. as there is nothing all that profound about the past 25 years.

and yet somehow, in some matter of time, in all the mundane and non-profound, i became what i am today....not too shabby, eh?

THICH NHAT HANH

2008-11-17T21:47:00.004-07:00

Many years ago, I took a Humanities class where I was asked to read a book named "Anger" by a man named Thich Nhat Hanh. I recall feeling particularly moved by the message he shared. He speaks of ideals that are not easily achieved but enlighten and bring peace. And so I wanted to share some of his quotes that have made me reflect upon how I treat others and what I can do to change and be a more loving, compassionate person. Ladies and gentlemen, THICH NHAT HANH.

"When we come into contact with the other person, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept. We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent upon the other person being lovable."

"When someone says or does something that makes us angry, we suffer. We tend to say or do something back to make the other suffer, with the hope that we will suffer less. We think, 'I want to punish you, I want to make you suffer because you have made me suffer. And when I see you suffer a lot, I will feel better.'"

"Reconciliation is to understand both sides; to go to one side and describe the suffering being endured by the other side, and then go to the other side and describe the suffering being endured by the first side."

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

"When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love and the situation will change."

MeMoRiEs

2008-10-03T14:50:00.002-06:00

I find it fascinating how the human mind classifies, identifies, and reguritizes (I can make up words if I want to) memories.
I have been mulling over a brilliant book about the mind and music lately. The musician turned neuroscientist turned author who wrote this book presents some really interesting ideas about how our brain catergorizes music and recollects it. Music is such a powerful force to provide associations with heartache, ecstasy, and humor. You are driving in the car and all of a sudden that comes on and you remember that time in the car when he kissed you for the first time and it was playing in the background. Or how about the way you heard that song after he told you it wasn't going to work out and you realized it was meant for you.
But memories go so far beyond just music. I'm spending the weekend in one of the most significant haunted houses I've ever known. I land in the airport and remember the time I missed my plane in after a brief attempt to resurrect a buried and massacred love. And every step that follows yields moments in restaurants, smiles driving down, the time he reached over and held my hand because he knew how hard it was for me leave. The pain creeps in and a surpressed memory resonates like a the foul stench of forgotten lunch in the back of your car on a 100 degree day. It just won't leave.
But are we better off for our memories sticking around? Perhaps. I've never forgotten the concept of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I'd give anything to have my mind bleached from memories that seem to disappear until you move your shirt around just enough in the right light to see that stupid blood stain still lurking.
Here's to memories! Here's to the town which yields so much love and so much hurt! Here's to Provo. I hate you.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

2008-09-17T22:28:00.003-06:00

"Remember, to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal."

2 Nephi 9:39

but why does it have to be so hard?
:o(

Rants of a Lunatic

2008-09-06T01:03:00.003-06:00

There are things in life that make us smile, make us laugh, make us appreciate each moment of life. And then there is that stuff that ticks you off and bugs you so bad that you want to tear out your eyebrows (wait, what kind of freak show would pull out their eyebrows?)

And so . . . I thought it most enlightening to share some of those precious things that get under my skin like chiggers...or whatever that creepy rash I got that one time was caused by.

* wrinkles in my bedspread after I've made the bed
* being told that in order to make my children whole i have to marry my complete opposite. pardon me for desiring a man that understands when i ask for xanax for my bday it means i'm having a rough week . . . i don't actually want xanax . . . except that i do . . .
*the freakin' asian lady who just waxed my lip feeling the need to show me the piece of cloth to point out that the hair she just sadistically tore out of my face is black and long...DUH! IF IT WERE LIGHT AND SHORT I WOULDN'T HAVE HOT WAX ON MY FACE.
* people who passionately fight for causes that they are completely ignorant about
* getting stage fright even though mentally i have no qualms about going to the bathroom in front of another person

the late hour has found me surprisingly less rageful. what a pity. fear not. there will be more to come.

to be continued . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Caution: Crude Hosford Humor

2008-07-15T00:15:00.003-06:00

Today I started my new job at Honeywell Technologies working on the Air Force Satellite Control Network Contract as a tech editor. As all anxious moments end, I had to go to the bathroom. As I entered the large, eight-stall facility, I could not miss how beyond silent it was. I went to take care of business and then I heard it....the slow movement of a foot. And then I realized....there was another woman...doing her business...trying to remain unnoticed.
At that moment I reflected on how we all face those awkward moments of public secretions when we just wish there was a little more noise to drown out that which is natural. I once had a friend who would turn on the faucet to drown out the sound of urination. Or there are those times when you have to get down to business and the only choice you have is the silent stall where others will know your secret...you DID have a big bowl of beans that isn't sitting so well.
And so I thought, "wouldn't it be a great service to the world if all public bathrooms started playing loud distraction music...you know...a little something to make everyone more comfortable?" At first my mind wandered to ocean sounds. There is nothing like the sound of rushing water to help you in your efforts. I quickly passed over top 40 thinking that some might get stage fright at the thought of "hearts all over the world tonight" who quite possibly don't have the same public bowel fears that many of us do. Of course there was the visit to the idea of classical hits. Who wouldn't want to coordinate their waste product release to Beethoven's 5th. Nothing like choreographed crap.
And so I left my restroom experience feeling inspired for a better future for those of us who just have problems getting it all out when others are around. Perhaps there is hope for a better world yet to come.

Soul Filling Serenity

2008-07-10T23:26:00.002-06:00

I think sometimes we spend more time setting and achieving goals in life than actually taking time to stop and take "it" all in. What is this "it" I speak of? (You didn't think I would actually put an ambiguous pronoun in my blog, did you?)

IT=Life's little miracles

I've spent so much time going, going, going and doing, doing, doing that often times I forget what I really want in life. As I stood in the park today in the tiny town of Akron, CO, I remembered what my soul really yearns for. I pushed Brooke in the swing with the wind and my hair and just basked in the serenity of the moment I was in. Maybe, after all, my showy distaste for being a mother and wife right now is just all facade. Maybe, what I really want is the opportunity to live and love more for another than for myself. All I know is that for a glimpse of time in that park, I was able to feel the peace that I grasp for and is often so simplistic that I reach beyond the mark finding only emptiness.

Technology Impaired

2008-06-26T22:49:00.002-06:00

During my recent adventures of being a nomad, I have found myself in the same predicament time and time again. Every time I just want to watch a movie, I can not figure out how the heck to get to the screen. Most people have little buttons that say "video" but NO! not the people I roll with. I am a shame to my beloved Jeseka, Electronics Queen. You would think it should be so easy, but not for me. I believe this is Deity's way of telling me I've watched too many movies.
My frustration is such at this point that I can't even write properly. UGH.

Bibliothèque

2008-06-25T12:41:00.000-06:00

If I could have a dollar for every time I read or was told, "finding a job is a full-time job" then I wouldn't need to seek for employment. I would be like those homeless people that stand on the corner in NYC and drive around a nice Mercedes when no one is looking. You see, no one in their right mind has the patience and perseverance to endure eight hours a day of being rejected and trying to convince people that they are of worth (after all...I did that twelve hours a day for the past year and a half.) And so, in my attempts to escape from the wonderful world of seeking for gainful employment, I have rediscovered the library.
I have a secret passion for books. While in college, I could spend hours in B&N and walk out with a stack of four or five novels. Most of those books still sit on my shelves mostly unread. My nightstand would always have at least four books including bookmarks scattered throughout. I can't be accused of having a short attention span...just being so indecisive that I want to have it all.
Years later I find myself with pockets empty of even the most minimal change and so I find myself at the glorious Colorado Springs East Library. The best kept secret (for all you Hollywood Video fans) is that you can check out DVDs for FRREEEEEEEE!!! And let us not forget you can check out up to 100 items. It is a dream come true for a bibliophile such as myself.
So I guess I could use the library as my excuse for continued unemployment and lack of recent blogs...

Ode to "Keep the Change"

2008-05-14T19:39:00.000-06:00

I have pretty much decided that whoever thought up the "Keep the Change" program with Bank of America deserves to be knighted, or receive an honorary PhD from a prestigious university or maybe at least a free frosty from the local Wendy's. It is the program invented for the shopaholic, designed for the impulsive spender, concocted for the cash-handicapped. You spend yo' dolla's and they take the leftover change rounding it to the nearest dollar and deposit it into your savings account. You save money penny by penny AND you can manage your checkbook much easier because you never have to add and subtract change. I'm talking idiot proof. This program is completely, certifiably, idiot-proof. Isn't it amazing how simply an idiot is entertained and made happy?

CO :o)

2008-05-09T19:49:00.000-06:00

So I thought perhaps my first "cool" post could be about the new phase in my life. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your's truly is moving back to Colorado. I'd like to say that I'm not scared at all about this but in all truth, I am. On the other hand, when the Lord speaks, I listen. I think I've finally learned that lesson. So I head off back to the rockies. I've enjoyed my winter in 90 degree Arizona. This blog really isn't all that cool after all. As a matter of fact, it is downright lame. But hey...you can't always be witty.

2008-04-17T09:33:00.000-06:00

all i wanted to do was just find my friend's blog and here i end up creating my own. lame-o.